Dear Brendan,
It happened the night before Christmas Eve. I had been thinking so much about reaching out to you. I felt like too many things and stories were untold. I didn’t necessarily think that you would want to hear any of it, but I have to tell you this one. This one. It’s about the time I got stuck in a perpetually ascending lift at work.
When I looked back at that night (the night before Christmas Eve), I also didn't know why I was rostered on to work till midnight. Normally those shifts were given to the casuals. It made me think that maybe they didn’t like me anymore.
I was sitting Tamie’s apartment. I was sober too. Actually sober was not the right word. I would say ‘clean’ is the word I was looking for. I’d been spending time alone at Tamie’s apartment. I barely had talked to anyone.
I remember the night was warm and busy. People were lining up to see the Christmas windows, and the line went all the way to the corner of Swanston and Bourke. Parents were taking their kids out so late; it’s hard to believe the kids would want to stay up just to see some colourful windows outside a department store. I’m sure at the end of the night they would be so tired and the parents would be very cranky, at that point then the mother would think that the father didn’t do enough to help her, and then they would get into a bit of a fight.
Maybe.
I was working the night shift. Six hours before midnight, while I was scribbling the secret sale codes on the swing tags, a customer with a light blue shirt was finishing his dinner in the food hall. He had a shopping list in his hand, and he was determined to make it the most organised Christmas shopping he'd ever done. He looked at the list thoroughly. The first thing he bought was some dried caramelised bananas for his mother. They were not cheap, around six dollars for three or four pieces. But he bought enough to cure his mother’s craving.
Next thing on his list was a pair of cufflinks for his brother. He just got a new job. He believed that his brother would one day be some kind of a big deal. But for now, just a pair of stainless steel cufflinks. He thought he would buy him something really simple and plain. He believed that anything simple and plain would not ever be out of trend. Maybe his brother can wear it for years. Or maybe forever. But his brother would be a big deal one day and he wouldn’t be able to wear a pair of old, plain and simple cufflinks, he might even be able to buy himself a few better pairs. With that in mind, he ended up buying a blue rectangular pair. Blue is always on-trend anyway.
I can’t tell you his name, Brendan. But to make it simple, let’s call him, Gob.
Edwin was very distant lately, I assumed it was because his parents were here.
I also had been thinking about sending you a Christmas card, like last year. But I didn’t know how it would make me feel. I was still angry at you for not being there for me, but I also missed you more than I missed anyone else. Perhaps Christmas just makes me feel so alone. Everyone else would be with their family. And as much as my family don’t celebrate Christmas, it made me feel like I’m missing out and alone.
Just when I was halfway to finishing marking the swing tags, Edwin came to tell me that he was leaving. He said I shouldn't worry too much because Andrew was working till eleven. I didn't have to be alone for more than an hour.
I said, ok.
The problem was, later that night Andrew felt sick from the sushi he had for dinner. He had to leave early.
I continued marking the tags. Andrew at that point had his sushi in the back room. The place smelt like soy sauce.
Gob just finished buying most things on his list; a polo shirt for his younger brother, a pack of cotton handkerchiefs with initial M that came in a set of six and neatly packed in a fancy box, a couple pairs of colourful socks, and a compendium. All bought, except for one. In his list, it was written by his mother, and he couldn’t really read it. It looked a little bit like this;
At—s----g
He reached into his pocket, grabbed his phone and called her. But she didn’t pick up. He decided to hang around for a bit. He hoped that his mother would return his phone call soon.
Across the road, a middle-aged woman left a bar. She actually had just walked in, and she left because everything she wanted was too sugary. She was not on a diet. She just had her dental check-up earlier that evening. She wanted to maintain that fresh dentist feeling, but she couldn't possibly drink vodka on the rock. She left the bar. Like Gob, she also had to wait around, she was too early for a meeting, an interview for her potential baby sitter.
Andrew was telling me that he was not feeling well. His face was red, and he talked funny. I said ok and continued doing the tags. Ten minutes later he was vomiting and his family had to pick him up from work.
Gob, meanwhile, was sitting in the food hall again. He only drank a smoothie this time; killing the time, waiting for his mother to tell him what was the last thing in his shopping list. When he finished his smoothie he went up one floor, then another. He saw this attractive sales assistant, and she seemed friendly. She asked him if he needed some help. Reluctantly he asked her if she knew what was on his list.
She shook her head. Then a polite laugh. They both laughed politely. She didn’t know.
Grace ordered some sparkling water for herself, then a cup of green tea for Alex. She thought it was a good sign that this potential baby sitter/tutor didn't order coffee around dinner time. She often thinks that coffee brings a hyperenergetic vibe to the house, and she didn't want her two sons staying up too late. She looked across the road, where people were lining to see the Christmas windows. Then she ignored them. She thought again, it was a good sign that Alex didn’t order coffee. Coffee also disturbs her calm energy, it does something funny to her chakras.
The next few minutes they chatted. At some point, it went almost like this.
“On Monday, Tuesday and Thursday I finish work late.”
Alex nodded.
"Dinners are already cooked, you just have to make sure they finish eating by seven-thirty. Ask them if they have some homework. Don’t check, just ask them. They need to know that it's all based on trust. And everything is, in the end, their own responsibility. If they lie, they would have to deal with the consequences themselves."
Alex nodded.
“After all, Alex. You’re there to help them, basic primary school homework. It will be so easy. I also like them to do creative things once a week. You can use some of your drawing skills you learn from uni. They would love it. But contemporary things, ok? I don’t like how people value realism too much.”
Alex nodded.
“Do you speak any other languages?”
Alex nodded.
“Well, what do you speak?”
“I speak—“
“Do you speak French?”
“Yes.”
“Perfect. Speak French in front of them. Not all the time. Just sometimes. Basic things. Or you can talk in French when you talk to yourself.”
Alex nodded.
There was a pause.
Then she resumed, “Do you have any questions?”
Alex nodded.
Then a pause, and then he realised he didn’t have to wait. “Do the boys speak French? I mean, I read how kids can pick up languages very easily. Are they fluent?”
“No. They don’t..”
Alex didn’t react to that.
"I mean, I'm not French, Alex. I guess we're just white. We're probably just English or Irish. I don't know. But I think any exposure to other cultures is so positive for their social development, you know?"
This time Alex nodded. He also said, “I also speak Arabic if you want me to speak Arabic to them.”
"Oh, Alex. That would be perfect. I mean you can speak both French and Arabic. I'm thinking more Arabic. It's less Eurocentric. And all these other things in the world. So many prejudices, especially after the nine eleven. What do you think?”
Brendan, did you ever have to listen to Christmas carols on repeat? I recalled one night when we went out and they were playing ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’, you and Niki found out how much I hated it so you just kept singing it to me. When I thought about it again, that was rather sweet. Unfortunately in retail you just have to get used to it; Christmas carols on repeat from October to the end of your shift on Christmas Eve. If there’s any good thing about boxing day is that we don’t have to listen to carols anymore.
I told Nathan that I would be just a minute. I needed to grab something to eat before I passed out. I told him to mind the floor while I quickly went downstairs to get some food.
I took the lift. I pressed the down-pointing arrow.
When the door opened, two department store staffs were in it. I had to ask them if the lift was going down. They said yes. Then they started complaining about how slow the lift was. Everyone complained about the lift. I didn’t. I didn’t see any point of complaining about something that we can’t. For the matter of fact was, it was always operating at the same speed. And nothing could change it.
I said to them, ‘At least this one’s working today.”
They said something else, but I wasn't listening. When I got to the food hall, I could only think of getting sushi, but I thought it wouldn't be a good idea since Andrew got sick from eating sushi. I still had two more hours before I got to go home.
I wanted to get some pizza but they’re overpriced even after the staff discount.
I wanted to get some pies but they always gave me heartburn.
I decided to get some tamari almonds instead. Not much but it would be enough. The sales assistant in the counter is this Chinese guy whom I remembered I had met years ago. Back in the day when I was living in the city apartment, my housemate was this sexually confused guy who always either had Hungry Jack’s burgers for dinner or the exact same chicken and lettuce dish from Rose Garden. He introduced me to this guy once. That was years before he worked in a department store food hall. I remembered my housemate had told me that this guy was very cool and very popular. He said that everyone wanted to date him. I didn't really see that, he looked somehow average. But I guess most of the high school Queen Bees also look average.
He handed me my almonds in a paper bag. I told him I was a staff, he gave me my ten percent discount. I paid two dollars and seventy cents. I wondered if he was still popular. Or perhaps he reached that point equal to being a mother of young children in the heterosexual world. Still beautiful, but always looking so preoccupied and tired.
When I walked towards the lift I saw him. The customer, Gob. He gave me the same look that Ewan gave me. I smiled. It was programmed. I smiled at everyone inside the department store because we were required to look friendly. He pressed the upward arrow on the customer lift. He was lucky the door opened straight away. I decided to walk in with Gob.
He pressed one. I pressed two.
He then started saying, “This is the third time I go up just to kill the time.”
I realised he looked at me the same way Ewan did, again. He looked nothing like Ewan. He has dark skin. Similar complexion to mine. I had a feeling that he might be Indonesian as well.
Did I ever tell you about Ewan and the shame that still followed me years after that? I realised that perhaps there are so many things I didn't tell you, even back when we were talking to each other every day.
I was really young when I met Ewan. Nineteen or twenty. He was in his thirties. Ewan had a way of looking at me. As a matter of fact, he had his own way of doing things. He was not incredibly attractive, but he knew how to make people want him. And most people I know wanted to be with him. I wanted to be with him but I knew I couldn’t.
One night he texted me, he was drunk and he needed a place to crash. I led him in. I told him to sleep on the floor, on the mattress. He couldn’t stop himself from getting next to me. Then he kissed me. Mouth opened, wet tongue and all. I said he needed to go back to sleep and that I couldn’t do anything with a married man.
When we woke up the next day he apologized. I told him not to tell his boyfriend. It was all an accident.
A couple of days later he invited me over for dinner. When I came over I found out that his boyfriend was away. We watched tv after dinner and he made me sat on his lap. His beard was brushing my neck. He opened his mouth and licked my earlobe. I said we had to stop, I couldn’t be doing this with a married man.
We should’ve stopped drinking too.
At the end of the film, he was caressing my chest. He looked at me that way again. I said I wanted to sleep. We went to the bedroom, I tried closing my eyes but I keep looking at him. He told me he had to come before he could sleep.
I said, maybe it’s not cheating if we don’t touch each other. I took my clothes off and let him watch me. He looked at me the Ewan way. I was naked in a married man’s bed, I never felt so beautiful. I felt like my whole being was perfect, with flaws and scars on my skin and everything. I felt wanted, desired, I felt so whole.
He started telling me that he wanted to come on my face. He wanted to watch me take his cum on my face.
<panting> Look at me with your pretty face <groaning>.
I said, ok. It’s not cheating if we don’t touch each other. I remembered watching his eyes closing. When I opened my mouth he shot. He missed. He ended up giving me pink eyes.
Gob got out when we reached the first floor. Department store manager Sarah happened to be outside the lift. She smiled to Gob, programmed. She then looked at me and told me that I should never use the customer lift. I got out as well. She then told me that I shouldn’t have food on the floor. I said I was sorry and left.
Department store manager Sarah approached Gob, asking if he needed some help. Programmed. He showed her his shopping list and ask if that was a name of a brand. She smiled and said no politely. In the end, Gob just said that he would wait around until his mother called him back. Department Store manager Sarah smiled again and said, "It's a great thing that our store opens till midnight!"
Brendan, you and everyone who wants you. I often feel like I’m just watching things from the outside. I watched you becoming you, and the world accepted you as one of their own. Shane was so smitten by you. Before the internet started recreating their childhood’s fairy tales, he had made you his Snow White in his photographs. I, on the other hand, I imagined myself looking in the mirror and asking,
Who is the fairest of them all?
It isn’t you, my Queen. It was never you.
For everyone else, it's always you, Snow White.
“You can start this Monday, Alex. I think you would be great.”
Alex nodded.
A pause.
Alex said, “Thank you.”
“What book is that you’re reading?”
“It’s a translated fairy tale. I can lend it to you if you like.”
I secretly checked Grindr when I got to my floor. Gob wasn’t there. So many people were online. So many beards. It’s not wrong when the heteros think that gays date their twins. I was there again watching from the outside. All these technologies that connect people. Yet I felt so lonely and disconnected.
Gob wasn’t there. But he looked at me like Ewan did.
“Excuse me” then clicking sound.
She was clicking her fingers to me.
I smile. Programmed. “How can I help?”
“My son here wants to buy this jacket in size 48, but I was told by your colleague earlier that it was put on hold for another customer.”
“Ok let me check.”
I went to the backroom and grabbed the jacket. It was put aside for one of Edwin's customers. It said, til the end of the twenty-third.
“It’s put aside for another customer.”
“Can you call him and ask if he still wanted it?”
“Sure”
But he didn’t pick up.
"I've left a message, hopefully, he'll call back soon."
“Can’t you just sell it to us? My son really wants it. We had an important event tomorrow and that jacket is perfect.”
“Unfortunately I can’t, it’s on hold for this customer.”
“Til the end of the day. It’s about eleven now, it’s not even normal business hours, I would think that he didn’t want it anymore.”
“But we’ve promised the customer. I’m sure if it was you we put it aside for, you wouldn’t want us to sell it to another person.”
“We just really want to buy it. Why is it so difficult?”
“Look, I’ll check if there’s another 48 in the stock room.”
She looked frustrated. I smiled and checked on the computer.
“It looks like we have two 48’s. Let me get the other one for you.”
I didn’t hear her say thank you, but I just rushed to the stock room. I heard her talking with her son about how ridiculous this whole thing was. I just walked faster, I didn’t want to hear what she had to say.
I saw Gob when I was running to the lift. He wasn’t a typically attractive guy. A little shorter than me, stocky. He carried himself well, however. He seemed very confident. He looked at me like Ewan again.
There are so many times, Brendan, when I had to make a little wish when I see someone like Gob. I made a little wish, something like ‘Dear God, please let me end up with someone like him.’ Perhaps I prayed too much, about different guys, and that confuses my God.
He stopped me before I got into the lift.
"I'm sorry, do you know what this is?" He showed me the note as I slowly made my way.
I said, “Are you Indonesian?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not a thing. It says ati2 sayang.”
“Hati-hati sayang.” Then he smiled.
“Yes!” then I ran into the lift, pressed number five. And that was when it all happened.
Grace got home, and the two boys were asleep. She had wanted to read the fairy tales book to them. She took the book into her room and read it to herself instead.
The book told the story of a prince who got lost in a jungle when he was little. He then befriended a tiger and a lion. The tiger taught him how to run, and the lion taught him how to hunt. The prince grew up with them, and he became a fast and skilful hunter. One day the prince saw a princess. And for once he didn't know whether he should run away or whether he should come near and talk to her, he hadn’t met any other human for years.
What he didn’t know is that the princess is a kind of a warrior, she desired to conquer things. When she saw him, she decided to capture him and brought him back to her kingdom. It turned out that she was from a kingdom in a war with his. To please her father, the princess decided to make her own plan to win the war. She sent a letter to the prince’s kingdom to tell them that she had captured their heir. The princess demanded them to surrender if they wanted to safe the prince’s life.
Because the kingdoms were far from each other, she had to wait for six days before they received the answer. The princess decided to talk to her prisoner. The prince meanwhile, he had forgotten to speak any human language, and for the first time, he felt like his hunting skills didn't help him at all. The princess decided to talk to him anyway, he never responded of course. But each day he remembered more things and more words, slowly he understood what the princess was telling him. The prince was slowly able to put words together, yet nothing that came out of his mouth seemed to make sense. At the end of the sixth day, the princess received the letter back from the other kingdom.
The letter said that they had a new heir and that the first prince was long deceased for them. For that reason, they decided not to surrender and gave the life of the prince in her hand.
The princess felt defeated, she had failed to impress her father. As she was releasing the prince, the prince, finally could speak, told her, ‘All of these expectations put you in a smaller prison than mine.’
She released him back to the jungle, amongst the tigers and lions. The princess thanked him and asked if she could live in the jungle with him too. She wanted nothing else but to be free. The prince agreed, they got together and ruled the jungle along side the animals.
By the end of the book, Grace thought about Alex. She thought Alex must be the good karma that came her way.
I pressed five, Brendan. The lift was always slow. But that time I was the only one in it and nobody complained about it. That time it felt slower than usual. By the time the small blue screen shows ‘5’ I didn’t feel it stopping. Instead, it just kept going. Like there were the sixth floor, seventh floor, eighth floor and so on. But the blue screen kept showing ‘5’. It didn’t stop. It just kept going up.
You never realised this until you’re so far above the ground, but the earth has this way of absorbing and distributing sounds. The further away you are from the ground it’s a different kind of silence. Perhaps silence is just the sound of the sky.
An hour had passed, I thought, and I was sitting in the corner. The only thing I could feel was the slight vibration from the lift, and what sounded like the machine that pulled it to the sky. Had there been real floors above the fifth floor, I would have reached the hundred and fiftieth. But maybe I was just floating in the sky. It felt really peaceful though, but I started thinking about saying goodbye to everyone. I regretted not having my phone with me. I could've called my mom and my sister, and Josh and Sasha, and Super Sasha, and Julia. Maybe I could've gotten some help instead and I don't have to be the first person who died from being trapped in a lift that is forever ascending. I started crying. I would’ve done so many things differently.
I remembered those nights when we were drunk, and we laughed so hard about things. You were never a good dancer, I was always poetic but silly. We were best friends, right? Oracle and Oracle Jr. What had happened to us? All those time when you left me for people who pursued you. That time when you went out with Ed. That time when you defended Ryan. I just don’t want to listen and I don’t want to remember because it always hurts me. I just don’t want to remember ever again. So many people had left me, but you’re the hardest. I just don’t want to know. I just don’t wanna know. I just can’t know. Because lonely is my new friend.
I heard a loud bang on the metal door. Then they opened. Gob was standing outside the lift. He asked me if I was alright.
I composed myself, “Yes.”
I stepped out of the lift. Everything felt so solid and grounded. I was not floating anymore.
“I don’t know what’s happening.”
“Were you stuck in the lift?”
I nodded.
I said again, “I don’t know what happened.”
“I heard you so I decided to check. It’s ok now.”
I felt a little calmer and realised how awkward the situation was. I didn’t even know him, he was just a customer. I couldn’t even find him on Grindr. I slowly sat on the floor, leaning my body on to the wall.
“What time is it?”
“Quarter past midnight.”
“Why are you still here?”
“I wanted to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For reading my shopping list.”
“Sometimes we forget. Even our mother tongue. Sometimes we forget.”
He sat next to me, “I know, but thank you.”
We sat for a while. It was rather nice. But like everything else, it became insufficient after a while.
I gave Gob a little pat on his shoulder. Perhaps even more awkward than the conversation. Then we left, we took the escalators. At that point, I asked him for his name. He already knew mine because I was wearing my name badge.
The security led us out of the building. It was past midnight but the street was busy, still. I watched him smiled, and walked away then I shout, “Hati-hati, Sayang!”
And to you too, Brendan. Hati-hati, Sayang,
Badra